West Virginia Sock Monkey

Sock Monkey Guns for Democracy

2005-10-16T07:31:00.000-07:00

Members of the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association are restless and burdened with revolutionary ideas. We have decided that we don't have enough goals for our association.

Our primary goal, of course, continues to be installing the sock monkey as the official state animal. But we are making significant progress on that front and expect that to happen duriing the next session of the West Virignia Legislature. We have sent letters to key legislators telling them that we intend to donate to their next campaign if they vote for the sock monkey over the bear. We are willing to contribute as much as $2.35 and a five-pound bag of penuts to any legislator who votes for the monkey.

But sock monkeys are forward thinking and have a world view. In our musings at our last meeting, we decided on our next big project.

Sock monkeys will bring democracy to Southern West Virginia.

The idea came from Iraq and this nation's initiative to bring democracy to that war-torn country. We have concluded that if armed forces can bring democracy to Iraq, armed sock monkeys can certainly bring deomcracy to a region of West Virginia where democracty hasn't worked in more than half a century.

Our plans are not yet complete but we believe it must involve guns as part of a show of force since it's clear there are far too many people in that region who don't know what democracy is and don't want it whatever it is.

We believe we have orders from the Great Simian Creator to liberate these southern counties and make the region safe for democracy. Our early plans are to patrol polling places with guns as a show of force and solidarity.

Meanwhile, a subcommittee is working on a media blitz with the theme:

"What's the most dangerous animal in West Virginia? A Sock Monkey with a gun."

It Worked!!!!

2005-09-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

I made the blog list on the Washington Post Web site!!

See it here.

WashingtonPost here I come

2005-09-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

I have set a new goal for myself and for Sock Monkeys everywhere. I think if I link to enough Washington Post stories I can get my blog listed in the Washington Post Web site.

I'll begin by mentioning this Washington Post Story.

It's something about gasoline and President Bush. I'm all for President Bush and I like gasoline. Beyond that, I don't understand the article. But that doesn't matter.

Maybe that will be enough to get my blog listed on Washington Post Web site. We'll see.

My Dog Barkley

2005-09-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

Barkley is my good friend. He is my dog though I trust his safety and upkeep to my employee, Dave Peyton.

We like to be convivial. We do not discuss politics, however, since he leans to the left and I lean toward Don Blankenship and other rich people who might someday give me money.

I like Barkley because he knows how to relax. He does it extremely well.

How does a monkey swagger?

2005-09-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

Mr. Don Surber was sending me a subliminal message in his headline for this blog.

Can someone teach me how to swagger? My employee doesn't know how. All he knows is how to limp and I don't think that's a swagger.

Some Sock Monkeys Have All The Luck

2005-09-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

Hre I am, stuck with an employee who doesn't have the resources to travel to Charleston, much less Tahiti.

Meanwhile, this Sock Monkey has all the fun.

If only Mr. Don Blankenship would call.......

The Peanut Effect

2005-09-10T05:20:00.000-07:00

Mr. Don Surber of the Charleston Daily Mail says that no one is to blame for Hurricane Katrina.

He's wrong, but he didn't know. How could he?

Doubtlessly you have heard of the Butterfly Effect. It proposes that a butterful flapping its wings in Southeast Asia can cause a tornado in the Midwest.

Well, a few days before Hurricane Katrina, I ate too many peanuts. They gave me gas. It had to be expelled, if you know what I mean.

I have determined that the gas caused an unusual wind current which affected a low pressure area off the coast of Florida. It became a tropical depression as a result. You know the remainder of the story.

I am sorry. It's all my fault. I'll take the blame.

For the sake of conviviality, I'll never eat too many peanuts ever again.

A Convivial Proposal

2005-09-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

At a hastily called meeting of the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association today, the board of directors decided it wants to do something.

We saw the pictures of the piles of sock monkeys at Tamarack. And we know there will be children at the Camp Dawson Center who have lost everything, including their toys. Some may have even lost their sock monkeys.

What would it take to get those Tamarack sock monkeys to Camp Dawson for the children? Dave Peyton, my employee, and I are ready to help.

Do any of the sock monkey employees at Tamarack have any ideas?

Speaking of Tamarack ...

2005-08-17T06:18:00.000-07:00

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that lots of convivial Sock Monkey happenings are taking place at Tamarack under the administration of Artie the Sock Monkey.

Those who wish to find out what's happening with Monkeys at Tamarack need to check in here.

A Convivial Welcome To The World

2005-08-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

An official member of the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association, direct from Tamarack, welcomed Nicholas Anthony Frazier into the world recently.

With Nicholas and the Sock Monkey is Mr. Grandpa Dave "Bub" Ball of Huntington who assisted the best-selling item at Tamarack in a convivial ceremony that named Nicholas an honorary Sock Monkey.

Here is yet another reason to choose the Sock Monkey the official state animal. Can you imagine presenting such a precious baby with a smelly, flea-ridden bear? Heaven forbid!. A teddy bear, you say? Teddy bears are soooo five minutes ago!

No doubt about it. Sock Monkeys are making their mark, figuratively speaking. Sock Monkeys don't leave marks. Bears do. Yuck.

To coin a phrase...

2005-08-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

As an honorary member of the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association, Mr. Phil Kabler of the Charleston Gazette may use the phrase "convivial and productive" at will. He did so in today's Statehouse column:

Although legislative interim meetings in Morgantown in general were, to borrow a phrase, convivial and productive, many legislators left town distressed about prospects for a September special session.

Write on, Mr. Kabler! Write on!

Call me Sock Monkeye

2005-08-07T08:31:00.000-07:00

I'm toying with the ide of changing my name to West Virginia Sock Monkeye.

It appears that adding an"e" to your name makes you prominent.

Take Charles Pointe, for example.

I don't know who he is, but Mr. Pointe is getting a lot of press. His development near Bridgeport is getting lots of attention.But the odd thing about it is that there is no development. Just thousands of acres of vacant land.

Mr. Bray Careye of West Virginia Media Holdings devoted a huge portion of his Saturday Statewide News Show to grand opening of Mr. Pointe's dream. I wasn't invited but I understand Mr. Joe Manchine was there. But a cursory look a the Web site shows nothing but drawings. No real pictures.

I don't know who Mr. Pointe is, but I believe he's getting all thie notoriety because he has an "e" on the end of his name. I have noticed that people who put an "e" on "old" get a lot of publicity too.

So the question is this: Would the "sock monkeye" be more likely to be named the state animal and gettting an economic development grant than a common sock monkey?

I'll have to consult with Mr. Don Blankenshipe about all of this.

An Unusual Sock Monkey Vacations in West Virginia

2005-08-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

While we were having our monthly meeting of the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association at the truck stop in Flatwoods, we invited a stranger to join us. He would only identify himself as Robert and said he was on a long vacation.

We invited him to dine with us, but not join the association since every other word was "Bullshit!"

We didn't think that was very convivial. Besides, he doesn't believe the Sock Monkey should be the state animal. He's in favor of the elephant.

A rather odd sock monkey, don't you think?

King Kong at the Kapitol

2005-08-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

I don't know why Dave, my employee, laughed when I showed him this picture.

It seems that I unknowingly partook of of some steriods (Like all those baseball players, I would never take steriods on purpose) and felt the need to climb something. So I went to the State Capitol where I played the role of Mr. King Kong, my favorite movie hero.

The climb up the sheath had a prophylactic effect on my steroid malady.

I'm back to normal now. I hope I can soon say the thing about the Capitol dome.

Consulting with Mr. Manchin

2005-08-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

While Mr. Governor Joe Manchin was in Huntington Monday saving a major Huntington business, he asked me to consult with him. After all, that is what I am - a consultant.

As always, he was in a hurry, so I spoke to him in one ear while he had his cell phone in the other.

By the way, it appears we saved the business from closing.

The invoice is in the mail.

Stella, My Convivial Dog

2005-08-02T11:26:00.000-07:00

Among all the animals I know, I think I like Stella is the best. She's one of the two dogs that live at my house.

Stella is the most convivial canine I have ever met. She has expressed interest in becoming an honorary member of the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association. I have given her The Secret Life of Sock Monkeys, a book that explains the special rites and ceremonies of this soon-to-be West Virginia state animal.

Between naps, she is studying hard and I believe she will someday be eligible for an Economic Development grant along with the other sock monkeys in West Virginia.

A Convivial Mexican Luncheon at Chili Willi's

2005-08-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

It was a glorious day for me and the people of Huntington.

The new Chili Willi's opened today at its new location at 1351 4th Avenue and while I was not on hand for the official 11 a.m. ribbon cutting (I didn't want to upstage the mayor and other important people) I was on hand for a convivial luncheon in the early afternoon.

Mr. Ron Smith (Center) the owner, joined Dave Peyton Jr. (right), Bill Samuels (Dave Peyton's California brother-in-law, left) and Susan Peyton (not pictured, she's shy) for an official Grand opening portrait.

We feasted on the best Mexican food in Huntington and I consulted with Mr. Smith about joining the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association in applying for a multi-million dollar economic development grant.

Mr. Smith declined saying that he is strongly considering renaming his business the Robert C. Byrd Mexican Food Rural Development Center and seek a direct federal appropriation.

I defer to Mr. Smith's wisdom on this issue but I offered my consulting services should he need them.

Mr. Phil Kabler Receives High Honor

2005-08-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

A convivial thank-you to Mr. Phil Kabler of the Charleston Gazette who mentioned my blog in his column.

In a hastily called meeting via a conference call, the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association has named Mr. Kabler an honorary Sock Monkey. The vote was unanimous.

We believe this is the first person in the state to have that title bestowed upon him.

My Meeting With The Byrd Man of Washington

2005-08-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

It was a highlight of my summer when I met with Mr. Senator Robert C. Byrd in Washington a few days ago.

The convivial senator introduced me from the Senate floor and I was introduced to the world via CSPAN. You missed it? No problem. Here's a picture of that watershed moment in the history of the U.S. Senate.

The senator seemed curiously interested in naming the Sock Monkey the official state animal, but he was not enthused about a constitutional amendment endorsing the proposal. I respect his judgement.

I told him the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association will consider endorsing him if he decides to run again. He seemed pleased.

Friends of Sock Monkeys? Who knows?

2005-07-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

I am toying with the idea of a new organization - Friends of Sock Monkeys.

Mr. Don Nehlen has done a tremendous job promoting coal as a convivial representative of Friends of Coal. They even gave him a dinner in Charleston. Is seems to me that it would be easier to be a friend to sock monkeys than a friend to a lump of coal.

I have met with Mr. Nehlen and discussed the idea with him. He was interested but didn't exactly endorse the idea. But he may, one of these days.

Meanwhile, I continue my work as president of the West Virignia Sock Monkey Association. Life is hectic, but life is good.

Maybe someday, they'll give me a dinner. If so, make it peanuts on the half shell.

A Lost Opportunity

2005-07-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

My heart is sad today and conviviality is difficult.

I'm sure it was an oversight, but I didn't receive an invitation to the Massey Summer Picnic being held this weekend in Logan.

I suspect that Mr. Blankenship simply forgot since he was busy setting up rides and games in that Logan County town. If had only asked, I would have helped.

Oh, well. Maybe next year. I shall drown my sorrows in a peanut-eating orgy while I dream of Travis Tritt.

Sock Monkeys Want to Know ...

2005-07-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

If your poor and eccentric, you're stupid.

If you're rich and eccentric, you're charming.

Why?

1700 Sock Monkeys and No Economic Development Grant

2005-07-19T13:04:00.000-07:00

Artie the Sock Monkey reports that Tamarack has sold 1,700 sock monkeys since it opened nine years ago.

What? They did that without giving the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association a $2 million economic development grant?

I am officially outraged and do not feel convivial at the moment.

If we sock monkeys have had so much to do with economic development in West Virginia, we should have been given a grant years ago.

As president of the West Virignia Sock Monkey Association, I shall file an official protest immediately as well as apply for the grant to which we are entitled.

I'm sure my friend Don Blankenship can help.

A New Sock Monkey in town

2005-07-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

A convivial welcome to Artie the Sock Monkey. Apparently my new blog has encouraged more West Virginia Sock Monkeys to post their blogs. You can see Artie's blog here

Wow, this may become a movement.

What's the Big Deal?

2005-07-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

On a recent tour of Massey holdings in West Virginia, Mr, Blankenship took me to Marsh Fork where I sat on top of Marsh Fork Elementary in the shadow of a coal silo.

What's the big deal? Children at Marsh Fork can look out their window and dream of the day they will all become coal miners. Besides, I love the smell of coal dust in the morning. It smells like - MONEY!!!!

And Mr. Blankenship agrees, I am sure.

Outrage Makes Me Itch

2005-07-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

Message to Don Surber:

Can you please rate your Blog postings with an outrage scale?

I can't handle constant outrage.

I'm willing to express outrage once or twice a wek, but when I have to express outrage over everything you write on your blog, it makes me itch. On the left is the way I look when I am not outraged. On the right, I'm outraged.

I realize that outrage makes people and sock monkeys popular and even famous. But constant itching from constant outrage makes me lose my conviviality.

My employee, Dave Peyton, is occasionally outraged but he doesn't itch. Why? He won't tell me.

So I am asking Mr. Surber if he will rate his Blog postings on a scale of 1-10 to give me some idea of the level of outrage I should feel. That will allow me to choose one or two of the top outrages of the week.

Me and Mr. Manchin

2005-07-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

Unaccustomed as I am to being dangled by my head, I rather enjoyed my convivial and productive meeting with Governor Joe Manchin.

After a brief meeting in his office, he took me outside to show me to the throngs who had gathered to greet me. I was taken aback, however, when a few in the crowd started bidding on me. By the way, the high bid was $1.23 from a little old lady from Fairmont who said she wanted a playmate for her cat.

Mr. Manchin remarked that he would find it both disgusting and dangerous to dangle the current state animal - the black bear - and that a sock monkey was considerably more docile. Plus, he said, I smelled better. I asked about the last time he smelled a bear. He didn't answer.

When I told him my plan to get the Sock Monkey designated the state animal, he asked what Mr. Blankenship thought of the idea, I told him I was hopeful Mr. Blankenship would approve but I didn't have a committment from him.

2005-07-12T08:05:00.000-07:00

Sock monkeys from all over West Virginia gathered in Flatwoods recently to elect me president of the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association. I'm not in the picture. I was chosen to take the picture. Being an officer of the association is a heavy burden, but one I gladly accepted.

Later we danced the night away and were convivial until the wee hours of the morning.

Introducing ---- me!

2005-07-12T06:45:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm the West Virginia Sock Monkey.

Sock monkeys are some of the biggest sellers at Tamarack, the arts and crafts center at Beckley.

I have been elected president of the West Virginia Sock Monkey Association and have begun meeting with important West Virginia people in order to get the Sock Monkey declared the official West Virginia state animal. Black bears be damned. They're smelly and they have bad attitudes.

I met with Mr. Blankenship at one of his mountaintop removal mines recently. The picture is of Mr. Blankenship and me. He's on the left and I am on the right.

Everyone knows that if you want something to happen in West Virginia, you have to get Mr. Blankenship's approval. Our meeting was convivial and productive. He took me on a tour of his mine. I was impressed with the way he removed all the vegetation in order to let the sun warm the bare earth. Mr. Blankenship is truly a visionary.

Mr. Blankenship said he would take my request under advisement. I told him to remember that I work for peanuts.

Look for more pictures of me coming soon.

And remember: Don't spank the monkey.